Over the last several years I believe my world has been tipped on it’s axis to many times to count.  Learning challenges with a child that I cannot understand and still go undiagnosed.  Drug and alcohol addition of a child that I would have NEVER imagined I would have to deal with and a system that has failed her.  A suicide of a brother.  A death of an Uncle that I helped care for along with his family and watched him leave this earth due to cancer. A sister with a recent diagnosis of cancer.  Many days I can feel multiple emotions all at the same time and I become disoriented for a moment and then I pick up where I believe I left off.  Many days I wonder how I am still standing.

Overwhelming emotions will leave me speechless and standing still where I should be moving.  Time sucks me up like a vacuum.  Events become jumbled together.  Laughing, crying and yelling become one.  Pretending becomes a way of life.  Words that have become my friends are why, secrets, helplessness, fear, sadness, frustration, confusion, anger and numbness.  Things like the phone and sleep become my enemy.  When I hear of another cancer diagnosis, suicide or a teen overcome by drug addiction grief washes over me and tears come like the heavens opened and it can take me days to recover.  But, when I dig deep enough in my heart there is always that still small voice and a shard of light…

There are words that become my lifeline like friends, family, prayer, faith, hope and love and these are what you hold on to.  Over these years I have learned these things:

• Love is a verb and not a noun
• Live in the moment, even the bad ones
• You make your own choices, own them
• Guilt is a waste of time
• Sometimes there are no answers to the why question
• Words do not always have to be spoken, the other persons heart can hear
• Not just one thing defines who you are
• A hug is the best gift you could ever give or receive
• Never give up on the ones you love
• Speak love
• Say sorry quickly and often
• Sometimes tough love is necessary
• When life gets to hard to stand, kneel and pray
• We cannot fix everything
• Every moment you have breath is a blessing to someone else

It is hard to always live in the moment as we are always moving and we get caught up in the day to day busyness of this thing called life.  I will tell you that in each tragedy there was always a gift that made me stop in my tracks and those are moments that took my breath away and that I wish I could freeze. When I think of them, I think of those moments and it grounds me.

I knew that God was tapping me on the shoulder saying “pay attention here” and I will treasure that always.  That is why I am still standing.